As the season to be jolly looms large, Bettie is feeling far from festive as she’s packed off to get the inside story on the intricacies of female poker playing.
I used to love Christmas – the gift giving, spending quality time with the family, eating myself sick – and then I turned five. After that, all the be-jolly-by-golly, if-you-don’t-believe-you-won’t-receive crap wore thinner than reality in my stepmother’s mind. Now I hate it with about the same intensity of an alien death ray. As grannie used to say, “Christmas cookies and happy hearts just give me a case of the holiday farts.”
So, it was no surprise that while browsing the Isle of Man Examiner for anything even approaching news, a quick peek at the ‘Top Xmas Events’ list had me reaching for the bong pipe. I mean, Festive Felting with Annie and the Groudle Glen Santa Train were hardly c’mon, baby, lighting my fire, you know what I’m saying?
It all came to a head at the Bargain Bucket O’Fat, the local Eat-As-Much-As-You-Weigh deep-fried fish emporium. Obviously my husband’s choice. Personally I try not to eat in cheap restaurants because, while I’m not exactly fussy with food, in my experience, once you’ve got something in your mouth, you’re kinda committed.
As Big Frank returned with his fourth dessert, I said that enough was enough. I just wouldn’t – couldn’t – spend the festive season here. It had also not escaped my notice that the march of days was bringing us ever closer to the end of year launch date for 39-4-Ever.com, the world’s largest – and not surprisingly, only – online casino for women of a delicate age. In light of this, Big Frank decided he wanted me to get au fait with all things online and gambling. After I’d explained that I knew more about the inner workings of my stepsister’s sex life, he said, “Exactly.” Apparently, female poker playing was on the up-and-up, and he was adamant that 39-4-Ever needed a slice of that action (for ‘action’ read ‘cold, hard cash’).
Now, as I’m sure you’ll be aware, diary, I’m totally clueless on the intricacies – or even the point – of this stupid game, but, hey, that didn’t stop me from whisking off to the Tina Wallmann School Of Poker. For a mere $10,000, I got enrolled in the ‘Buxom Princess Strategy Intensive’, and by year end, this is what I’d learned:
• Don’t limp when everyone behind you is very tight – and never come on the flop
• If you’re left with a pair of queens, split them and play with both hands
• You need a strong hand if you’re going to dominate, especially when there’s been a lot of action with the flip-flop
• Be aggressive if you are hit, especially by fish – unless you have a small pair, as you might be dominated
• Don’t play mind games unless you are (a) still sober, and (b) sure you had a mind in the first place.
I haven’t been so proud of myself since I completed that 500-piece jigsaw in less than a week when the box said 2-4 years.
After the course, Tina took me to one side and whispered that just for me she would impart her two rules for ultimate success in poker. Rule one was easy, being ‘Never tell everything you know’. Unfortunately, the brainless bimbo never got round to telling me the other one.
